Vital Information was a sketch in which Lori Beth Denberg delivered what would appear to be useful information, but later actually nonsense, usually three in a row. The sketch was later hosted by Danny Tamberelli, Lil' JJ, and Reece Caddell.
Notable Vital[]
- Oh Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh I HATE the Macarena.
- If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable!
- If you're drinking apple juice and it feels warm, odds are, that ain't apple juice!
- If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I ain't eatin' a sandwich at your house!
- It's not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and then yell, "Look neighbors! It's raining Billy!
- If your teacher gives you an F, it is wrong to say "Well what do you expect moron?! I didn't study!"
- Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how on Earth this song became so popular.
- It's fun to play in the snow. It's less fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit.
- I scream, you scream, we all scream when we slam our hand in the car door.
- Three blind mice. See how they run (into things).
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away (then proceeding to throw apples at a doctor) go on get!
- The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down, eventually they all throw up.
- When you're reading a book, don't skip the even number of pages and then say "Man, this book is really odd!"
- Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey don't see, monkey step in doo.
- If your first name is Wally, and your second name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
- A penny saved is a penny earned. And a penny earned will buy you absolutely nothing.
- If you can't beat them, join them; if you can't join them, bite them.
- If you blow your nose like this (takes a tissue and blows her nose loudly), it's considered rude to do this (sticks the tissue to a lamp).
- When you see an old lady you might say, "How long have you been in the swimming pool?!"
- The cow says "Moo". The duck says "Quack". The crazy person says "Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai!"
- If you get all F's on your report card, don't feel bad - it's not your fault you're stupid!
- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And I laughed my butt off!
- "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." No one cared.
- "The early bird gets the worm." Fine! I don't want the worm!
- "Eeny meeny miney mo. Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers" … then let go of his toe before the tiger kills you!
- "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat" — and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat.
- If you see someone drowning, it's rude to stand there trying to throw popcorn into their mouth.
- If you accidentally flush your friend down the toilet, you either got a huuuge toilet or a teenie little friend.
- Next time you're feeling sick, take a piece of ham and rub it all over your body. You won't feel any better, but hey, you'll smell like ham!
- "Starve a cold, feed a fever. Starve a bear, bear kill you."
- If your name is Steven, and you have a pet turkey named Stefan, come Thanksgiving you will be Steven stuffin' Stefan!
- If you want to invite your teacher to dinner, don't say, "Come to dinner teacher. My parents have always wanted to meet a big idiot!!"
- Contrary to popular belief, Jack Sprat can eat fat. You've just gotta hold Jack down and shove that fat down his throat!
- Never go to the library and say "Excuse me, but I'm looking for a book on why you're so ugly!"
- It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to blow your nose in your sisters pants.
- If you can't stand the heat, stay out of your kitchen; if you can't stand being dressed, get out of your pants.
- If you're afraid of breathing, you've got about 4 minutes to live.
- Ice cream tastes good, armpits taste bad.
- If your first name is Brucifer, and your middle name is Yapstiddy, and your last name is Magoogoo, then congratulations! Your full name is Brucifer Yapstiddy Magoogoo!
- If you can't stand the heat--don't just start throwing rocks at people.
- It's not nice to go up to someone, shove waffles up their nose and say, "Who's got a nose full of waffles? You do!"
- If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, "Hey, thanks for the pizza, now--could you help me put it in my pants?"
- On Halloween, it's fun to go up to peoples' doors and say, "Trick-or-treat!" On Groundhog Day, it's fun to go up to peoples' doors and say, "It's Groundhog Day! Now let me look between your toes!"
- If a neighbor asks you if he can borrow a cup of sugar, you'll sound weird if you say, "Oh, you can have the sugar--if you let me drink out of your toilet!"
- It's better to give than to recieve. Especially if you recieve garbage.
- If you find your little brother wearing your bra, don't say, "Hey, little brother--what in the name of weirdness are ya doin' wearin' my bra, ya freak?!"
- Homework... bad. Pizza... good.
- There are sixteen ounces in a pound. There are thirty-eight sheep in my pants.
- O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree, o why am I talking to a Christmas tree?
- Cheaters never prosper... unless they bought my book, Cheating the Denberg Way, available wherever fine books are sold!
- If you speak Spanish and you don't want anyone to know, it's not smart to shout out, "¡El elefante es grande, señorita!" (The elephant is huge, missy!)
Appearances[]
- Episode 0102: Da Brat
- Episode 0103: TLC
- Episode 0104: Immature
- Episode 0105: Craig Mack
- Episode 0106: Malcolm-Jamal Warner/Brandy
- Episode 0107: Aaliyah
- Episode 0108: Coolio
- Episode 0109: Soul 4 Real
- Episode 0110: Changing Faces
- Episode 0111: Blackstreet
- Episode 0112: Zhané
- Episode 0113: Usher
- Episode 0114: A Few Good Men
- Episode 0115: Aftermath
- Episode 0201: Naughty By Nature
- Episode 0202: Monica
- Episode 0203: Larisa Oleynik/Da Brat
- Episode 0204: Malcolm-Jamal Warner/Mokenstef
- Episode 0205: Jon B.
- Episode 0206: The Twinz
- Episode 0207: Monteco
- Episode 0208: Soul 4 Real
- Episode 0212: Diana King
- Episode 0213: Sinbad/Coolio
- Episode 0214: Mark Curry/Deborah Cox
- Episode 0215: Immature
- Episode 0216: Terry Ellis
- Episode 0217: Faith Evans
- Episode 0218: Silk
- Episode 0219: Shai
- Episode 0222: Monifah
- Episode 0301: Tia & Tamera Mowry/LL Cool J
- Episode 0302: Montell Jordan
- Episode 0303: Oliver Muirhead/Immature ft Smooth and Kel Mitchell
- Episode 0304: Dru Hill
- Episode 0305: Tyra Banks/BlackStreet
- Episode 0307: A Tribe Called Quest
- Episode 0308: 702
- Episode 0309: Tony! Toni! Toné!
- Episode 0310: Chris Farley/Mint Condition
- Episode 0311: 112
- Episode 0312: Sherman Hemsley/Nas
- Episode 0313: John Leguizamo/Mona Lisa
- Episode 0314: Ray J
- Episode 0315: For Real
- Episode 0316: Dr. Joyce Brothers/Sherman Hemsley/Heavy D.
- Episode 0317: Az Yet
- Episode 0318: Aaliyah
- Episode 0319: Monica
- Episode 0320: MC Lyte
- Episode 0321: Erykah Badu
- Episode 1101: The Jonas Brothers
- Episode 1102: Daddy Yankee
- Episode 1105: The Cast of Henry Danger/Ella Mai
- Episode 1109: Darci Lynne Farmer/The Jonas Brothers
- Episode 1110: CNCO
- Episode 1121: Lauren Alaina
- Episode 1126: blackbear
- Episode 1130: Darci Lynne Farmer
- Other appearances:
- Nickelodeon Youtube - Henry Danger edition. (YouTube)