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Vital Information was a sketch in which Lori Beth Denberg (later Danny Tamberelli and Lil' JJ during the relaunch, respectively) delivered one liners, usually three in a row.

Notable VitalEdit

  • Oh Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh I HATE the Macarena.
  • If your bra' is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable!
  • If you're drinking apple juice and it feels warm, odds are, that ain't apple juice!
  • If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I ain't eatin' a sandwich at your house!
  • It's not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and then yell, "Look neighbors! It's raining Billy!
  • If your teacher gives you an F, it is wrong to say "Well what do you expect moron?! I didn't study!"
  • Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how on Earth this song became so popular.
  • It's fun to play in the snow. It's less fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit.
  • I scream, you scream, we all scream when we slam our hand in the car door.
  • Three blind mice. See how they run (into things).
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away (then proceeding to throw apples at a doctor) go on get!
  • The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down, eventually they all throw up.
  • When you're reading a book, don't skip the even number of pages and then say "Man, this book is really odd!"
  • Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey don't see, monkey step in doo.
  • If your first name is Wally, and your second name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
  • A penny saved is a penny earned. And a penny earned will buy you absolutely nothing.
  • If you can't beat them, join them; if you can't join them, bite them.
  • If you blow your nose like this (takes a tissue and blows her nose loudly), it's considered rude to do this (sticks the tissue to a lamp).
  • When you see an old lady you might say, "How long have you been in the swimming pool?!"
  • The cow says "Moo". The duck says "Quack". The crazy person says "Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai!"
  • If you get all F's on your report card, don't feel bad - it's not your fault you're stupid!
  • Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And I laughed my butt off!
  • "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." No one cared.
  • "The early bird gets the worm." Fine! I don't want the worm!
  • "Eeny meeny miney mo. Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers" … then let go of his toe before the tiger kills you!
  • "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat" — and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat.
  • If you see someone drowning, it's rude to stand there trying to throw popcorn into their mouth.
  • If you accidentally flush your friend down the toilet, you either got a huuuge toilet or a teenie little friend.
  • Next time you're feeling sick, take a piece of ham and rub it all over your body. You won't feel any better, but hey, you'll smell like ham!
  • "Starve a cold, feed a fever. Starve a bear, bear kill you."
  • If your name is Steven, and you have a pet turkey named Stefan, come Thanksgiving you will be Steven stuffin' Stefan!
  • If you want to invite your teacher to dinner, don't say, "Come to dinner teacher. My parents have always wanted to meet a big idiot!!"
  • Contrary to popular belief, Jack Sprat can eat fat.  You've just gotta hold Jack down and shove that fat down his throat!
  • Never go to the library and say "Excuse me, but I'm looking for a book on why you're so ugly!"
  • It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to blow your nose in your sisters pants.
  • If you can't stand the heat, stay out of your kitchen; if you can't stand being dressed, get out of your pants.
  • If you're afraid of breathing, you've got about 4 minutes to live.
  • Ice cream tastes good, armpits taste bad.
  • If your first name is Brucifer, and your middle name is Yapstiddy, and your last name is Magoogoo, then congratulations!  Your full name is Brucifer Yapstiddy Magoogoo!
  • If you can't stand the heat--don't just start throwing rocks at people.
  • It's not nice to go up to someone, shove waffles up their nose and say, "Who's got a nose full of waffles?  You do!"
  • If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar.  It's not nice to say, "Hey, thanks for the pizza, now--could you help me put it in my pants?"
  • On Halloween, it's fun to go up to peoples' doors and say, "Trick-or-treat!"  On Groundhog Day, it's fun to go up to peoples' doors and say, "It's Groundhog Day!  Now let me look between your toes!"
  • If a neighbor asks you if he can borrow a cup of sugar, you'll sound weird if you say, "Oh, you can have the sugar--if you let me drink out of your toilet!"
  • It's better to give than to recieve.  Especially if you recieve garbage.
  • If you find your little brother wearing your bra, don't say, "Hey, little brother--what in the name of weirdness are ya doin' wearin' my bra, ya freak?!"
  • Homework... bad. Pizza... good.
  • There are sixteen ounces in a pound. There are thirty-eight sheep in my pants.
  • O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree, o why am I talking to a Christmas tree?
  • Cheaters never prosper... unless they bought my book, Cheating the Denberg Way, available wherever fine books are sold!
  • If you speak Spanish and you don't want anyone to know, it's not smart to shout out, "¡El elefante es grande, señorita!" (The elephant is huge, missy!)

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